Bernadette

(I wrote this laughing all the way through)

Bernadette was an old ass bitch with a stupid ass face. One fucking day Bernadette farted and shit her pants super fucking loud and everyone heard it and laughed. She was at Bloomindale’s in the teen aisle but you could tell she was old as FUCK. “Fucking ugly ass cunt bitch ass none of this shits gonna fit you” said an extremely hot woman under her breath, a model actually. The model stuck her finger in her own ass and cleaned it on Bernadette’s stupid ass face while pushing her into a clothing rack of padded bra’s.

“EAT SHIT AND DIE FREAK!!!!”

Bernadette falls to the ground. The model spits on Bernadette. Bernadette’s crush passes by and it looks like he might intervene and help her out but actually he’s checking out the model, the model follows him to the dressing room where they immediately fuck, curtain open moaning and fucking while looking at Bernadette. Security passes by and tells Bernadette to leave, blaming her.

“Pervert, mind your own business, see it’s people like you that should kill themselves. Look at what you made them do. Ugh did, you should be killed for real bitch.”

Bernadette’s life fucking sucked. Most days went this way.

One normal ass fucked up day Bernadette decided to change her lfe. Bitch was like “I’m done with my life sucking”. So, Bernadette turned on the camera on her iPhone and live streamed her ass up close with white panties on. 1 person logged on, her grandpa. And then another, someone that knew her in high school and then for some reason followed her on Tik Tok years later.

Bernadette thought back to making people laugh at Bloomingdale’s by mistake by farting and thought to recreate it for views. This could change her life. She could take her power back and use what people found funny and sad to make money. Bernadette started pushing, she farted on camera but then shit came out (too much shit) and she fainted, knocking the camera down. The camera fell in the shit, smearing across the screen making a beautiful halo effect, so it looked like she was sleeping in sepia. Accidentally she had also pressed the button to add music so “Royalty free harp music by Paul” played over the video. It started going viral. Bernadette lay face down nearby the shit and the camera, the video was still going. Bernadette spent 4 hours fainted on the floor, views coming in hot. For some reason everyone in the chat was shouting out “SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID BITCH!” and sending shit emoji’s. She made 30$ from views.

Shortly after Bernadette received a phone call that her grandpa had died from a heart attack. They blamed her and called the police to detain her and deport her although she was a white woman born in Orlando,FL. They said they would send her to Congo.

The police arrive at Bernadette’s house. Bernadette doesn’t open the door because her hands are too small, it’s always been a problem. She wants to cooperate but they don’t listen to her.

“I WANT TO COOPERATE BUT MY HANDS ARE TOO SMALL!”

“OPEN THE DOOR OR WE WILL CALL BACKUP”

“I CAN’T THE DOORKNOB IS TOO BIG!”

The police call backup and surround her house. It’s the police, ICE, National guard, and a SWAT team. Things escalate really fast because Bernadette has an annoying ass voice that makes you wanna kill something or yourself. Her voice angered all the officers into a violence they’ve never known, a violence often reserved for immigrants and African Americans. But this bitch was so fucking ugly that her whiteness couldn’t save her. They were also aroused but only their nipples and it hurt them so they were in pain, they wanted it to stop and knew the only way to stop it was to throw a bomb into Bernadette’s house.

They collectively decide this is the only way forward, they bomb Bernadette’s house and watch as her house burns into a crisp. They hear her scream and live-stream: it, it goes viral. The video makes 800$ that is donated to The David Duke fund. The officers all high five and start making out with tongue, piling up into a giant gay orgy as Bernadette screams in the background.

Bernadette wakes up somewhere else. She’s dead so death is there. Death is like

“YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH GET THE FUCK UP!”

Bernadette’s like, what? Death is like

“YOU’RE A DEAD BITCH BUT LUCKILY YOU DIDN’T REALLY EVER HARM ANYONE BUT YOURSELF BY BEING SO FUCKING STUPID SO YOU GET TO GO TO HEAVEN ON ONE CONDITION. DON’T SUCK ASS LIKE YOU DID ON EARTH!”

“OK…”

Death starts laughing really hard.

“I’m kidding, you were actually made in GOD’s image”.

“You mean, GOD sucks too?”

“Yeah, you’ll see when you meet him. They be a fucking bitch forreal, sounds like shit too just like you lol”

Death leads Bernadette down a long white hallway and then says “OK, you keep going, I cant go any further or I’ll cum”. Bernadette slowly walks down the white room towards what appears to be a white column with a round object on top. A mirrored crystal ball.

Bernadette approaches, she sees her reflection. For the first time, she’s beautiful. She has 7 eyes, luxurious red hair bunched up like a picnic basket from an old school Disney movie. The mirror breaks. Bernadette feels gas, she farts, it erupts from her anus, the gas explode her from the inside, she screams and turns into light. She is in ecstasy.

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Alright friends. Thanks for your attention, I hope this made you lol like it did for me. A Reminder: My book release show is coming up! Oct 12th at etc.etc books in Philly, please come! With performances by Alex Tatarsky, Rose Luardo and Jess X. Snow and moi! We will be bringing it to NYC so stay tuned for more info on that soon. Tell all your friends! I deleted all my socials so if you have that spread le word to ur peeps.